Well, there has been an interesting change since I last wrote.
I have come across the word “serendipitous” a few times these last few days. Do you know what it means? To take everything that happens to you, not as a coincidence, or an accident, but as a sign of something else. As in the Universe working to make your life the way it is? What do you think about that?
People ask me what I want from my life. They say, imagine you had a magic wand and could just make it happen. What would it be? And right now I don’t know what it is what I want. Is it a house, another child, a successful business? This is what I tell myself it is what I want. But is it just because it is what is expected of me? What about going to another country, far away and help people in need? Living a life of giving to others? It would be a selfish choice, because I would be doing it mainly to fill the void in my life. Because this is my problem; there is a void, an emptiness in my life, and I don’t know why.
I am just starting to realize, guilt is a main theme in my life. I feel guilty for feeling empty. Do I have the right to feel this way, empty? I don’t think so. I have a partner who loves me and is always there for me and a beautiful, kind, funny and marvellous son whom I adore. Nothing drastic has happened in the last few years, no one has died, no long term illnesses, no catastrophes…nothing that would give me the right to feel this way.
There are things that I know I’m not happy with. I worry that I’m 36 and my life is slipping away. I work in a job that offers no challenges nor teaches me anything new. I live in a rented house, which is really cold during the winter months, and it really affects the way we live life as a family. My partner has been out of work for a long time so I feel we can’t move on. It was getting pretty bad and I have decided to reach out for help.
This is the first time I reach out for professional help. I think is the wisest option, since I realize I have been feeling this way for a long time. I think to myself that I am lost, and I have lost the connection with myself.
I had my first chat with my “counsellor” via Skype last Monday. We talked for about 1hr and 30min. It didn’t feel that long. She uses NPL techniques, so I have to tap different points of my body when Im talking to her. She said a few very interesting things. She told me that one of the reasons why I feel this way is because I have no roots. I live in another country; I don’t own a house, I’m just floating in the air. And that is exactly how I feel. The situation in my job obviously doesn’t help. And the fact that Im 36 and I don’t own a house, doesn’t help either.
She said that I need to clear some emotional blocks to see with more clarity my life. We have agreed to another chat next Monday. I will let you know how it goes.