Emotional Blocks

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People ask me what I want from my life. They say, imagine you had a magic wand and could just make it happen. What would it be?  And right now I don’t know what it is what I want. Is it a house, another child, a successful business? This is what I tell myself it is what I want. But is it just because it is what is expected of me? What about going to another country, far away and help people in need? Living a life of giving to others? It would be a selfish choice, because I would be doing it mainly to fill the void in my life. Because this is my problem; there is a void, an emptiness in my life, and I don’t know why.

I am just starting to realize, guilt is a main theme in my life. I feel guilty for feeling empty. Do I have the right to feel this way, empty? I don’t think so. I have a partner who loves me and is always there for me and a beautiful, kind, funny and marvellous son whom I adore. Nothing drastic has happened in the last few years, no one has died, no long term illnesses, no catastrophes…nothing that would give me the right to feel this way.

There are things that I know I’m not happy with. I worry that I’m 36 and my life is slipping away. I work in a job that offers no challenges nor teaches me anything new. I live in a rented house, which is really cold during the winter months, and it really affects the way we live life as a family. My partner has been out of work for a long time so I feel we can’t move on. It was getting pretty bad and I have decided to reach out for help.

This is the first time I reach out for professional help. I think is the wisest option, since I realize I have been feeling this way for a long time. I think to myself that I am lost, and I have lost the connection with myself.

I had my first chat with my “counsellor” via Skype last Monday. We talked for about 1hr and 30min. It didn’t feel that long. She uses NPL techniques, so I have to tap different points of my body when Im talking to her. She said a few very interesting things. She told me that one of the reasons why I feel this way is because I have no roots. I live in another country; I don’t own a house, I’m just floating in the air. And that is exactly how I feel. The situation in my job obviously doesn’t help. And the fact that Im 36 and I don’t own a house, doesn’t help either.

She said that I need to clear some emotional blocks to see with more clarity my life. We have agreed to another chat next Monday. I will let you know how it goes.

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12 thoughts on “Emotional Blocks

  1. Feel empty, feel full…the key is to feel and to express. And you’ve done both beautifully. Love your vibrant red balloon. welcome to the world of cpb. (creative personal bloggers!). Enjoy the journey.

  2. Cassie – Thanks for being brave and posting! In many ways it feels like you’ve taken a page from my journal. It is interesting what your counselor said about not having roots. I too live in another country, in a rented house and somewhat differently, no job. Except caring for my 4 year old son 🙂 I put off deciding the second child for ages for just that reason – do I really want it, or is it “expected?” I wish you the best on this journey!

    • Hi Kelly,

      Really? So we are in a very similar space of mind then. I am also putting off the decision of having another child… and my little one is putting pressure, saying he wants a brother or sister!

  3. I love this post! Thank you for being so honest and raw and exposing your vulnerability with us. I love what the counselor said about roots, and it sounds like it really resonated with you. I’m looking foward to following along on this journey you’re embarking on 🙂

  4. Hi Cassie, your post really spoke to me. Five years ago I had just return to the UK, split up with the man I thought I would marry and was back working in the place I had left because I hated it. Counselling was the starting point for me rebuilding my life, ( still working on it!).

    Last year a friend suggested I watched a TED talk, I’d never heard of TED. But this 20minute talk totally changed my life and gave me the courage to pursue my hiden dream of teaching. Take a look- Brene Brown on shame and vulnerability. Good luck with your blog x

  5. Wonderful post. So uncanny because when my son was 4 years old I had the same experience. I didn’t know what to do with myself and felt lost and empty. And there were no catastrophes, disasters, anything I could put a finger on. Excellent choice you made to reach out for help. Keep writing and sharing yourself. I will look forward to following along with your journey. I also live in another country and want very much to go back home. Because of the internet I don’t feel stuck. I have a productiive creative life and love connecting with like minded souls on line. Just like you! Loved it!

    • Hi Iris,

      Thank you! I really think that putting in writing what I feel will help. I have thought about it so many times and I havent because my dark side tells me there is no point…It is hard to explain… This course has given me the perfect excuse.

      Im also excited about meeting like-minded ladies like yourself, who are looking to live a meaningful life.

  6. I love the courage you have to write exactly where you are, Cassie. Oh, and where were you over the past years when I needed to read your words? I am saying that in jest, but it is true – I hear you so clearly.

    When you mention reaching out, I am thinking that you’re already creating these roots and branches…and interestingly, I am not convinced that a foundation comes from owning a home — rather creating a home in a way that’s meaningful for you. What are you thinking about that? Maybe it includes purchasing, but maybe doesn’t have to include that step. My four year old boy just plowed through the door – so more soon! I’d love to talk more about these themes with you.

    Keep writing. What a gift you share in this space.

    ~ Z

    • Hi Zane,

      I agree. Buying a house wont give me roots. It wont solve my problem. I know material things wont solve my problem. They might help, but not much more. So I have to keep searching…and hopefully I will find out what it is that makes me feel full.
      Thanks for reading and for your words of encouragement.

      C Xxx

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